a magician asks you to pick a card - any card, in fact. you do. they ask you to put the card back in the pack - anywhere in the pack, in fact. you do. they walk away. ten years later, your wife gives birth to the six of clubs. “is this your card?” the midwife asks, in a familiar voice.

(via kilynhidethebeer)


I’m scared of talking to an audience if it consists of more than 0.5 people

(via eclecticpandas)


do old people masturbate

(Source: trait, via ant0rm)


Clearly she wears those short skirts and skimpy tank tops because she wants the d. and by d I mean vitamin d. she wants to soak up as much sun as she can. because revealing clothes are not an invitation for sex u prick

(Source: zerogoukki, via assume)

(Source: mollyssolverson, via ant0rm)


why do people make viruses like why do you have to be an asshole

(via ant0rm)